Happy New Year!
If you’re like most people, resolutions are on your mind, and maybe you’ve already made one. Can I ask you to just hold that thought for a moment? I have a few things to say on the subject that might just change your thinking.
A few years ago, toward the end of the year, a new client said with genuine commitment, “You know, it’s almost New Years, and this year I’m really gonna get my exercise resolution right!”
While I was happy he was thinking about adding activity to his life, his excitement and certainty about this goal was a bright red flag for me. While so well intended and so yearned for — and so common — his goal reflects our most misguided aspirations. It’s TOO aspirational!
What does “getting it right” even mean?
In my client’s mind, “getting it right” meant he was going to hit a bullseye on his exercise goal every week for eternity. Imagine a series of targets, with arrow after arrow right in the center of that small red dot, lined up to infinity. Yikes. The chances of that actually happening — considering unavoidable real-world issues like inclement weather, work pressures, and unforeseen personal and family emergencies — are slim to none.
When we think about our behavior change goals in these absolutist ways (I am absolutely gonna be the perfect parent, the most loving spouse, the best student), it creates high stakes that infuse stress into every choice related to our aspirations. And it creates a path that’s so straight and narrow that the smallest pebble or sudden detour trips us up every time. Those arrows form such a thin straight line, just like a tightrope, so when we miss once, we quickly fall off.
Here’s what I believe “getting it right” really means: We stop attaching our hopes and dreams to an all-or-nothing mindset that so frequently results in “nothing” (i.e., and then we brand it “failure.”) and consciously allow ourselves to do something that keeps us on a path to success.
It’s a mindset re-set that allows us to plan for the imperfect so we were prepared for it when it appears — which it always does.
Making a mindset re-set
A mindset reset is a true transformation in thinking. It takes intention, practice, and self-compassion to embark on freeing ourselves from the all-or-nothing thinking we’ve been taught. You might be surprised to discover that this new way of looking at our options can also be — dare I say it? — fun!
There’s no more “failing” to achieve your goal because this new mindset is about the process of learning how to deal flexibly and tactically with the challenges to our cherished plans that inevitably arise. When we permit ourselves to do something rather nothing, we automatically maintain the momentum that keeps us on track! (And yes, it really is our choice.)
Research suggests that focusing on the process of behavior change is more effective than focusing on outcomes. A great way to understand the process we use and reset out mindset is by talking about how it works with other people. Which brings me to a subject dear to my heart, including The Joy Choice in your book club.
Feel free to share this post with others who share your interest in the science-based how-to’s of creating lasting changes that can survive in the real world.
Copyright © Segar, Michelle.