How often do we say to ourselves “I really should do that”?  We hear others saying the same thing.  On the surface, this might not seem like a problem.  After all, as human beings, we want to do what we think is “right”. This is a good thing!
We get into trouble, though, when our orientation to living becomes focused on accomplishing things and checking items off of our ever growing “To Do” lists.
Having this type of external focus too easily leads us to spend our daily lives doing things based on what we think we “should” do rather than what we “want”, “need” or mindfully decide to do. Do you resonate with this?
“Should-based” living often translates into living on autopilot as we rush to get one more thing done. When we do things we think we “should” do, we believe we are being our best selves, fulfilling our responsibilities well and serving others. However, living this way can be extremely stressful, unhealthy and often undermines living purposefully.  I’ve also come to believe that daily decision making and behavior based on “shoulds” can let us off the hook of taking personal responsibility.
When we say “I really should do this”, what we often mean is “I’m doing this because it’s something that I think I’m supposed to do”. It doesn’t matter if we are doing this because culture tells us to, our doctor tells us to, or we are striving to be “good” daughters, friends, wives, parents, or professionals. Making decisions primarily to fulfill shoulds prevents us from mindfully evaluating the task at hand based on its merits and whether or not it helps us achieve the things that we most value.
In essence, should-based living neglects and starves our unique sense of self.  Maybe this is why so many of us feel hungry all of the time.  Maybe we are craving our own essence, our sense of WHO WE ARE.
“Should-based living” breeds imbalance.  Living on autopilot, living as “human doings” instead of human beings is, ironically, often the path of least resistance. It is often easier to do what we feel is expected of us than it is to do the hard work of figuring out what it is we want to get out of life.
Every one of us is unique.  But if our daily behavior only fulfills what we think we’re supposed to do, we miss the opportunity to fully express our uniqueness. Should-based living comes easily to most women.  We have been socialized to be good mothers, wives, and friends.  To be conscientious employees.  To volunteer in our communities. And much more.  As we contemplate the decisions that fill up our days, it is important for us to understand why we might be inclined to live a should-based life. But, the most important thing, is to evaluate if the manner in which we live and make those decisions is taking responsibility FOR our life or abdicating it?
Taking responsibility for living life on our own terms can be scary stuff. But, from my perspective, the alternative is scarier. Feeling detached, drained, and unmotivated on a daily basis. Of course we want balance in our lives and we get balance, in part, through serving others and fulfilling our responsibilities.  But if most of your energy is consumed by the “shoulds” you might be missing out on inner peace and a sense of balance.  You may be endangering your well-being and health.
We all deserve to become our best selves and to lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. It’s our right as human beings.
Your EssentialSteps Coach,